When October Goes
by flashpenguin
Summary: Seeing October go had never made Spencer Reid sad...until that day he had to reflect on Emily Prentiss and the things they shared. And how much he's going to miss her and October. Eighth in the "Bluer Than Blue Series".


_Sorry that it's taken so long to update this series. Reid is so difficult for me to write for and the inspiration wasn't there...though this song has always seemed like the perfect one to describe the moment. And ironically, all the things that have transpired in Reid's life have happened in October. For those following, this is the sixth story in the "Bluer Than Blue Series"._**  
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_Song prompt: "When October Goes" by Nancy Wilson_

_I don't own Criminal Minds. _

**When October Goes**

He had never been sad to see October go.

Although, October was the one month he had always wanted to see outside of Vegas. Even after ten years in Virginia, and the changing of the leaves and the smell of autumn in the air was still spectacular in more ways than even he could comprehend. No matter what changes life brought, he could always count on October to hold the surprises that made life special. But he never missed it.

October was when he had first arrived in Quantico for FBI training. He could still remember it as though it was yesterday. The cold breeze with just enough of a nip to let him know that snow and winter was right around the corner. It also had his favourite holiday: Halloween! Who could not love this month? He loved to walk the park and watch the football games in progress or sit on the bench for hours as the geese flew south for the winter. Just watching the leaves change from green to glorious colours was enough to fascinate him more than any book ever could.

Then there were the scents that came with change: the smell of burning wood in the air and the crisp feel of air that was no longer weighed down by humidity. But over time, the bad moments had outweighed the good. As a small part of his heart hardened, he began to hate that month. Never would he be sad to see October go.

October was when Elle had to leave. And that was his fault. He should have said something. He should have stopped her that night when she was drinking and not making sense. He should have stayed and talked some sense into her. Or stayed until she sobered up.

He hadn't. He thought she was strong enough to beat her demons. And when she broke, it nearly destroyed the team. It had nearly destroyed _him_.

But he held on to the month he loved. One thing wrong couldn't destroy the things he cherished. Life would bring good to outweigh the bad. And it had.

October was when Emily Prentiss arrived in his life.

Beautiful, smart, and funny. She was the total opposite of Elle on every level. But there was something about her that he couldn't put his finger on. She held back and she compartmentalized _everything_. But she was good at her job. She wasn't easy to push around like Elle had been. Emily had a strength deep down inside that prevented her from breaking.

It wasn't until she helped prevent a terrorist attack that he knew she could be counted on. But he still held back. He still wondered about the reasons she was on the team. So, it came as no surprise when it was revealed that she had been sent in as a mole to bring down Hotch and the BAU.

The surprise came when she resigned. The bigger surprise came when she stayed. But it came at a cost: Gideon left.

The man he had come to think of as a substitute father and mentor had left like a coward in the middle of the night with nothing but a note trying to explain why. He thought they were closer than that. He thought they were friends. But every time he tried to analyze Gideon's motives, it made less sense. And it didn't help when Emily was in his face telling how to handle things.

Gideon's departure brought Rossi back to the BAU. So, it wasn't all bad. Still… It took a lot for him to accept the famous profiler into his life. But it was Emily Prentiss who he needed to mend bridges with. He couldn't forgive her for the callous way she moved on. And no matter how close the team grew, he couldn't trust her.

Until those three days at the compound.

She had thrown herself between him and death. She had chosen to speak up and keep him from getting shot. How could he ever repay that? He knew that the beating was just the tip of the iceberg of the brutality she had suffered, but she had never cried out. It had taken everything in him not to jump up and help her. He had considered himself a coward lower than Gideon when he saw the cuts and bruises on her face.

It was Morgan who had told him that it had taken everything Rossi had to pull Emily out of the compound before the explosion; she had fought to stay behind and wait for him. Seeing her standing waiting for him to come out after death had knocked on his door was probably the best moment of his life. But it didn't erase the shame he felt for not helping. But she could take it. She was adamant that he not beat himself up over what couldn't be changed because she would do it all over again.

But he couldn't ignore that she had laid her life on the line for him. No one before or since had done that for him. And in a way, he had fallen in love with her.

So many times he had wanted to ask her out for a drink or a movie. She was a nerd just like him and they had a lot of things in common: Star Trek and Asimov. They could both speak Russian - to a certain extent - and they had an appreciation for The Renaissance. But nerves and the fear of failing had prevented him from asking her.

Now he would never know her deep dark secrets. He would never know if they could have ever been more than friends. He would never know the feel of her arms around him again.

He should have been there that day. He should have been the one to enter the house and take the bullet from the ambush he had never figured into the scenario. Profiling was an art and an educated guess. Other times it was a damn shot in the dark. But no one could have profiled that at the end of the case the team would be minus one.

It still sometimes felt like a dream. She couldn't be dead. But he had seen her on the slab in the morgue and spoken at her funeral, so the conscious part knew she was gone. But it didn't feel real. He still had a moment or two when he walked into the bullpen and saw a brunette and hoped that it was Emily. But it was never her.

He remembered their last conversation when she talked about life and its meaning. They had sat on a bench in the park near the Hoover Building and discussed the after life. She had her views and he had his, but in the end, both had walked away enlightened.

That had been October. Was it fate or design that every momentous occasion in his life happened in October? Maybe it was for the best that he ignore the month so it would come and go without further disrupting his life.

Until today. An October day that was truly hers. Her birthday.

Now he stood at the foot of her grave and wondered what he could say to her. What news could he tell her about himself and the team? Would she care that life had moved on without her? Would she care that he had gotten another degree?

He started to tell her that Hotch had married again and was smiling for the first time since anyone could remember. He wanted her to know that Rossi had retired…again - his words were that his heart was no longer in 'the game' - or something like that. JJ had moved on to the State Department, and Morgan was in charge of his own BAU team. But most of all, he wanted to ask if his mother was doing alright. Was she finally happy? Did she miss him?

Maybe he just needed to tell her the one thing he had failed so many times to say. The one thing that he kept putting off because he never entertained the thought that what the team shared would ever end.

The minutes passed as the temperature dropped and the wind picked up. The clouds began to fill the sky and cover the sun. It looked as though Quantico was going to get its first snowfall that night. He was cold, but he had to make his peace.

October was a month that touched him more than anything else. It was full of beginnings and ends. Good-byes and hellos. Friends lost and friends found. And Emily Prentiss.

A sound caught his ear and made him look up at the sky in time to see the geese flying in a large V toward the south. Summer was over. And life went on. If only he could hold on to the moment for one more second…

Laying the flowers on the headstone, he searched for the right words.

"Thank you, Emily. "

He turned on his heel and walked away. There were tears in his eyes as he made his way down the path to his car. Only when he was belted in with the engine running did the truth dawn on him: For the first time in a long time he was going to hate to see October go.


End file.
